07 May 2009

My vow

I made a vow to myself not to harp on about relationship stuff here, mainly because I can't really remember where I've posted a link to my blog so who knows who could be reading, not very private eh? But also because I don't want to bore you lovely people. Then, I figured, that any post might be better than no post at all... Aaand I am hoping airing it will make me feel better.

Because right now I feel like - pardon my french - shit. I don't know how, after arguing with R, this always happens; even when I think I am 100% in the right, I feel far too guilty. Maybe I do know why, because I always worry that just incase the last time I ever see or speak to that person, was the time I was annoyed with them, and it scares me half to death. In fact, that's probably the only reason I feel like crying after arguing. I say I hate arguing, it's not very fun that's for sure, but really, it's the aftermath of the argument that I hate; the panic of not being able to fix it quick enough.

So, the result; I give in and I would say I'm almost always the one to make the first move to try and patch things up. That's no way to live your lives people, let me tell you, because then you're always the one to apologise and give in and you get labelled weak. Maybe I am. Yup, I'm weak. But maybe that's better than being too hard?

The other key point is that I can be really, mega p'eed off in the moment and around the person that shit kicked off with, but within minutes, in fact maybe even pre-emptively before we have departed, I start to feel incredibly awful and will resort to all sort of tactics to stick around more so that I may have the opportunity to fix it, say sorry, make amends. I might never take the opportunity but I go to significant lengths to make the opportunity arise. That's sad isn't it? I should just apologise and be done with it rather than all this beating around the bush and making myself feel awful all day about the thing I wanted to do but was too stubborn to do.

Another reason why I don't like to talk about relationship issues; I don't like the idea of anyone - yup, that includes complete strangers - thinking that things aren't rosey. But hey, Jen, life is not rosey. Get a grip!

So yeh, right now, I feel like I should apologise but I also feel this could be the pressure my own worrying has exerted on me so I'm holding back. Theeen I start to worry I am being stubborn.

Ultimately, maybe all this worrying is completely useless because the offended person is just going to cut their loses and be done with me. I don't want that to happen.

But this time, I really don't know how I got all the blame. Like, I'm bad, I can be bad, but this time I don't think I did anything bad enough to warrant being ignored so much. :( And I'm sad about it. I'm not all that confident I can manage the day feeling like this. Brain-wave: just send him that? And apologise. Text or e-mail? He's usually slower to notice his e-mails. I think I need your help guys on rules of how exactly one goes about apologising?! Why am I so horrendously awful at making apologises?!

D'ya know, I wish this was a completely anonymous blog (i.e. that some of you didn't know me, and R, personally) then you'd have the inside scoop on exactly what was said and his response. But that would be incredibly unfair. If he read this, he would probably think I've said too much already but I need to release! And here is my place to do it.

*sigh* I wanna fix it.

It's not really a rant but I labelled it so anyway. And in place of toodles;

Boo-hoo! :(

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