02 December 2014

Y u no like online date?

It's been a while since I let you lot in on what's happening in my dating life. I'm not going to say love life.

Well, the short summary is nothing. Not anymore at least.

Despite having a blog, and it's public nature, I don't often share the real nitty gritty, certainly not in a romantic context. I want to be honest here but certainly not at the expense of someone's feelings, by making fun or otherwise. But I also wanted to complete this teeny blog series, which has had a somewhat comical theme up till now. That's why it's taken me a little while to write this post.

My experimentation with online dating was going well when back in September I met my first OKCupid online date. Oooh aaah!

Let's call him Aaron.

The scene: tapas and cider on a Sunday afternoon in Bristol. It was supposed to be a Saturday but I had to rearrange as I had a night walk from Bath to Bristol later that day. Aaron took the short notice change well; a positive.

My first impressions? Good. We got on well with similar views, sense of humour and common interests. Aaron was fairly independent having his own business. He was shorter than I expected but not a deal breaker of course.

And so we set up a second date. Again, this went well, featuring decent burgers near Bristol's waterfront, laughter and a fair amount of cider. Aaron got somewhat carried away for a school night (I'm not judging, I do this too!) but I had the next day off so no working on a terrible hangover for me.

It was on this date I discovered Aaron was a social smoker. Well, I say social: he smoked whilst drinking despite his company – me – not smoking. Not sure if that is social, or in fact anti-social? It's also not a deal breaker but still quite unexpected, as I couldn't recall reading it in his profile. And I'm not the biggest fan of being forced to accompany you whilst you smoke outside, asthma will do that to you.

But Aaron was interesting, attractive and had good banter (a must!) so a 'courtship' began as my mother might say. Certainly nothing serious as far as I was concerned. How can it be? I mean, we'd only just met and it takes a considerable amount of time to know someone, even a little, right? At least for me.

Several dates ensued, including Aaron cooking dim sum from scratch! I was suitably impressed.

However, I did begin to notice a slight mismatch; Aaron made that little bit more effort than I did and he seemed generally more keen. How so? Saying he'd told his friends that he'd 'met someone' after two or three dates, and regularly making reference to me meeting them, and on occasion his family also.

And he wanted to do 'stuff' together. Wait, let me explain. Uninteresting 'stuff', like fabric shopping with me. No boy wants to do that sort of stuff. And I'm not so effing attractive as to make a boy want to. I'm not fishing; it's true. Yeah yeah, I'm great. But I'm a dick as well, and annoying. And if anything, those elements probably come across more quickly than my softer side.

This is all legit behaviour when you like someone of course. But it was a little too much, too quickly, for me.

I have some idea of what you're probably thinking: 'But you said Aaron was interesting, attractive and had good banter. What is wrong with you, you crazy betch?!'

Let me tell ya:

  1. I date boys I already know. So what? It means me liking a boy happens without me realising it, and without the pressure of my tiny little mind doing itself an injury with 'Do you like him yet? Do you? Well, DO YA?!'
  2. I date boys with feeling-block. Whuuuurt?! Yes. Boys that don't really seem to know their arse from their elbow in terms of feelings. Gifts: what are they? Doing activities I like doing, with me? Unheard of. I'd buy what I want, do Jen-shit by myself and mostly assume we're still together because I'm 'alright'. All this, fundamentally means, if a boy is too nice to me, buys me things or wants to partake in 'my stuff', I find it a little overwhelming and essentially, freak out. I'm not your typical girl, and like my own company. Good effing job; I'm getting a lot of it at the moment!

I don't expect any of that sounds rational. But it's true. Obviously not all relationships should be the same so I shouldn't have been trying to recreate those of my past. I was trying not to compare. Really, I was. But I'm an old dog; you cannae (easily) teach me new tricks.

Anyway, I told myself to stop being an eejit and let things take their natural course. I'd gotten myself into a shitty position a couple of years ago with letting things move too quickly (soon realising it was a rebound) so intended to take my sweet ass time. And had told Aaron as much.

But slowly I started to feel like it wasn't going anywhere. Even that I wouldn't be cut up if it didn't. We were quite different, in many aspects. Admittedly, I'm not looking for a clone. However, a decent amount of overlap is required.

Ultimately, I didn't want to admit any of this to myself. Instead, I wanted to be 'easily pleased' for a change. Sadly, my actions betrayed me and Aaron called me out on it. When he did, I don't think he expected me to actually say yes, you're right, I don't see a relationship here. But that is what I said, face-to-face at least. My view: it had been a short courtship, it'll be alright, invite him 'round and just be honest. And I was. Tip: not wearing any form of eyesight correction also helps: if you cannot see their face properly, you cannot see their emotions, including their tears. (There were no tears.)

But he was quite surprised and appeared disappointed . Again, not because I think I'm awesome; no-one likes a knock-back. So, I thought I'd lighten the mood with a joke:

Me: something something... Maybe it's because I'm completely terrified. lolnotlol.
Aaron: If that's the case, you're a dick.
Me: ... ... yeah, that's not the reason.

Told ya. I told you lot I was a dick. You're better off out of it Aaron.

And then I followed with the supposedly cardinal: let's be friends. What?! It was true. And it had been no more than 6 weeks, he's not that cut up! Nope, I do not feel that guilty about that. But he made it clear he wasn't interested in that. H'okay.

And now? Feelings of guilt and confusion. Maybe Tinder was better?: OKCupid's going down, I'm yellin' Tinder! But a further foray into that had ultimately zero results.

Conclusion: online dating probably isn't for me, as I guessed it wouldn't be. And I don't much like it. Because reasons.

Jen

4 comments:

  1. I especially relate to the bit about dating boys you already know - prior to Thomas, I think every long(ish - I was never really one for commitment) was with a guy or girl I already knew. As a result, I was so bloody rubbish at dating a 'new' person that it was ridiculous. Every time Thomas, like, touched my hand I'd have vapours. I'm so glad we stuck at it past the awkward and weird stage, because we're ace together now (not that I'm saying you should have stuck it out - I really think you know when it's not right).

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  2. I do think that the "old way" of meeting someone through friends is the best. At least you weed out the major idiots first. Sorry that things didn't work out though xx

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  3. Yeah, I think that's part of the problem: I don't really know how to date someone 'new'. My first first boyfriend when I was 15 was someone I didn't already know first but my mindset 15 years ago was veeeeery different. Getting past the awkward and weird stage is good though, I hope for it. ha.

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  4. Agreed! It's a very good way to vet some right?! Oh thanks Angela, that's OK. I'm only slightly worried that I will start to enjoy/get used to my own company so much that I won't want to share it with anyone else. Here's hoping!

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